I'm lost Ducky
by iwannagibbs
Summary: Gibbs finally lets go after Jenny's death.


"Meet your new team, Agent Gibbs".

Jethro felt the new director press the files into his hands and he heard the man speaking but he wasn't processing very well at the moment. Being in this office—Jenny's office to him —was having a disorienting effect on him. When Director Vance finally stopped talking Gibbs looked him in the eye and said, "Not today Leon". Gibbs tossed the three files on the desk, Jenny's desk, and walked to the door. Ziva, McGee and Tony followed him and left the office when Gibbs opened the door. Jethro stood in the doorway and took a long look at the desk, the couch where he and Jenny shared an occasional late supper and sometimes more and suddenly the memories were too much. He left the office and went straight to the elevator, down to the parking garage and into his car. That was a far as he got. For the first time in almost twenty years Gibbs was lost; he didn't know where to go so he just sat in his car and tried not to think, tried not to remember, tried not to cry. He didn't succeed at any of those things.

Gibbs was pretty sure his team or what used to be his team had followed him and were somewhere close by. He knew they wouldn't approach him at least for a while and he was grateful for that. He appreciated their support but right now he needed to be alone. The trouble was he really didn't know where to go so he just continued to sit in the car. He had spent the last several days doing his best to stay in control of the situation and of his emotions and now he felt that control rapidly slipping away. Having his team disbanded had been the last straw.

Jethro laid his head back on the headrest and let the tears come. He felt a real physical ache in his heart and in his famous gut. He recognized the painful feeling and knew that it wouldn't be going away any time soon. With his eyes closed he pictured Jenny at a time when they were happy together. He could hear her laughing and see that beautiful smile he loved so much. He could feel her smooth skin as he held her close and her hands on his face when she kissed him. He remembered too the arguments and the doors slamming as they navigated their way through their "situation" the past three years.

All that was hard to think about now but Jethro knew what was really causing his pain was regret. So many times he could have said something different or nothing at all instead of picking a fight. He knew he had let too much time pass without telling Jenny he forgave her for leaving him and that he still loved her. Now he had no more chances, no more late night dinners, no more rides in the elevator, no more anything.

Gibbs was right, his team had taken the stairs and followed him to the garage. They watched him get into his car and …just sit there. Even though each of them had just had their world rocked, again, right now they were not thinking of themselves. They were afraid for the only man they ever wanted to call "Boss".

After a few minutes Tony quietly asked, "Ziva, what's he doing?"

"It looks like he is just sitting there. He has not started the car. I think he might be crying."

"Do you think he's got his weapon with him?"

"Why McGee, you afraid he's going to shoot someone?"

"Not someone Tony, himself"

"The Boss would never do that. He might shoot me but not himself. Ziva, did you see him with his weapon?"

"No but I am sure he has it. I did not see him take it off when we got back from the memorial service".

"Tony, I think you better get Ducky down here".

"Good idea McGee." Tony pulled out his phone and called Ducky in autopsy. "Ducky we need you down in the parking garage".

"What's happened Tony?"

"Well actually quite a lot since we got back here but right now Gibbs is just sitting in his car and he's been there for the last ten minutes or so and …he's just sitting there crying Ducky. I think you better get down here."

"I'm on my way Tony".

"Jethro may I join you? Ducky opened the car door and motioned for Gibbs to move over to the passenger side. "Or would you like to get out and walk with me a bit?"

Gibbs didn't move. He didn't even look up so Ducky went around and got in the car. After a long few moments Jethro finally took a deep breath and started talking. "I don't know Ducky. I don't know where to go or what I should do next. I'm lost Ducky. I should have been with Jenny. She died to protect me and I don't think I am worth that."

"Don't be ridiculous Jethro. What are you talking about? Jenny loved you and she did what she did for many reasons as I have already told you."

"This whole business started in Paris and I should have fixed it a long time ago. I was afraid Jenny hadn't killed Svetlana but I didn't take care of it. I, we, were distracted and I let that affect the mission. I just never thought it would come back to haunt us, certainly not like this. Why didn't she call me when she realized what was happening? She didn't tell me was sick. Why wouldn't she let me help her? Dammit Ducky, I've protected a lot of people but the women I love I can't save. First Shannon and Kelly, then Kate and now Jenny".

Ducky was at a loss. He had known Jethro longer than anyone else and he had never seen him so distraught; probably no one had. Jethro never broke down in front of anyone. He kept his pain to himself and somehow managed to go forward. Ducky knew that wasn't going to be possible this time. Jenny had been too important to Jethro. She had been too much a part of him for too long.

"I'm sorry Jethro, I know there is nothing I can say that will make this better. Can you promise me you won't do something rash, something you will regret later?"

"I don't think I can make any promises today, Duck. You know when I came home form the Gulf to Shannon and Kelly's graves I wanted to die. I even had the gun in my hand pointed at my head but something stopped me. Maybe it was because I wanted to get my revenge or maybe I was just a coward. Well, I got my revenge and somehow I decided to go on. I remember someone telling me I was young and had a lot of life ahead of me. I don't have that anymore. I'm tired Ducky. Tired of burying the women I love, tired of all the regrets and stupid decisions I keep making. I should have told Jenny how I felt. I should have forced her to listen to me and admit her feelings so we could be together like we were supposed to be."

"Jethro, when were you ever able to force Jenny to do anything? The status of your relationship was not entirely up to you. She made choices for herself and some of them she regretted. Loving you was not one of those. I know that because she told me so. I am sorry I didn't tell you of her illness. She asked me to let her tell you herself and she was going to do that when she got back from California."

"It's not your fault Ducky. I know you were doing what you promised Jen you would do. The problem is the only person she 'talked' to when she came back from California was you. I just keep remembering all the times we argued, both of us too stubborn to back down. God how I loved it when she was all fired up about something even if that was directed at me. The sparks just flew off her when she was giving me the business. Sometimes I couldn't even process what she was saying because I was so distracted watching her. When we were together it was magic. We were so good together I just couldn't believe it when she left me. Then when I saw her here as the new Director, I was so confused about us I could barely make sense of things for weeks. I didn't think I would ever forgive her for leaving me but when I saw her all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and tell her how much I'd missed her and that I still loved her. We have been dancing around each other for the past three years and now I'll never get to hold her again. I can't barge in on her and have her give me a lecture about getting along with others. I'll never be able to look up and see her watching me from the catwalk. What am I supposed to do Ducky? I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the way Jenny died. I can't get the images of that out of my mind. I can't stop imagining what she must have been thinking and feeling. I can't stop wishing that I had at least been able to talk to her one more time. She shouldn't have been alone there trying to protect me of all things. I should have been the one taking care of her, protecting her."

The tears had stopped but the anguish and the regret were still plainly visible on Jethro's face and in his voice. He sat behind the wheel but still made no move to start the car. He and Ducky sat in silence for what seemed like a long time. Neither man knew what else to say. Jethro had never expressed so much, so openly to Ducky. The medical examiner knew he didn't have the words to begin to ease the younger man's pain. He keenly felt the loss of his friend Jennifer but he knew his loss was small compared to what Gibbs was feeling. He had watched the two of them for years and he knew the great emotions they held for one another even when they tried to deny those feelings to themselves. It pained him that Jethro had no more chances to give voice to his great love for Jenny.

"Tell me what to do Ducky. I don't want to go home. I don't want to work on the boat anymore because I'll never take Jen sailing again. I don't want to start drinking because I won't be able to stop. I can't stay here, too many memories and now my team has been taken away from me. I don't think I have what it will take to start over with a whole new team".

"What in the world are you talking about Jethro?"

"Leon reassigned McGee and DiNozzo and is sending Ziva home; her position has been terminated."

"Jethro you can't be serious. You can't let this happen."

"What the hell am I supposed to do Ducky? I don't' even know what I'm going to do for myself. How can I do anything for my team now?"

"You're right Jethro, you need to take care of yourself first this time. I admit I am more than a little worried for you."

At that both men lapsed into silence. Jethro sat with his hands in his lap and silent tears streaking down his face. All the life and fire was gone from those blue eyes that Jenny had loved so much. He clenched and unclenched his hands in a futile attempt to gain at least a small measure of control over his emotions. Finally he rubbed his hands over his face roughly wiping away the tears. In a shaky voice he said, "Please Ducky, tell me what to do."

Ducky knew he had to come up with an answer this time; Jethro probably wouldn't ask again. "Alright I'll tell you what we're going to do. You are coming inside with me and we will have a drink and give Jenny a proper send off."

Jethro started to interrupt but Ducky held up his hand and stopped him. "Jethro, there are four young people standing in the dark over there ready to help you anyway they can. They love you and respect you and right now they are afraid for you. They have all had their lives changed today and yet their first thoughts are not for themselves but for you. They have some inking of what you have lost and they want to help you through this. It's time you let them. I saw the new director leaving as I was coming down here. I say we go up and liberate Jenny's bourbon and have a farewell toast or several in honor of a beautiful, courageous, and very stubborn redhead. We'll sort the rest out as we go."

Jethro looked over at his old friend and smiled for the first time in days. "Yeah, I think Jenny would approve of that Ducky. Come on, let's get out of this car."

The two men exited Gibbs' car and walked to the elevators where Ziva, McGee, and Tony waited along with Abby who had come down with Ducky. Gibbs looked at each of them for a long moment before punching the button for the elevator. Ducky explained where they were going and for what purpose. When the elevator arrived Ducky and Gibbs got in and the others followed, just as they always had. As the doors closed on the silent group, Jethro turned to them and said simply, "Thank you."

End


End file.
